I am an avoider when it comes to displaying my emotions. I am the person that is strong to the appearance of others but crumples in silence when I am alone. This is not a good combination when it comes to the ache of losing a baby.
Handling Loss Poorly
Losing my Dad was one of the hardest moments of my life. I was three months postpartum with a premature baby. Losing my dad was not something that I could prepare for. Can anyone though really?
Now I add to that a miscarriage.
To some they would say it was early so you aren’t fully attached to the baby. But to the woman carrying the child, and the excited parents, it is so much more.
There is pain. Emotional and physical pain in this loss.
My emotional pains plague my memories and thoughts. Especially during the quiet moments.
What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Would it have been a boy or a girl? Was it really twins as we thought?
How do I explain to Tractor Man that the baby isn’t coming anymore? How do I help him understand and deal with his emotions?
The quiet is the hardest part. Silence is truly deafening.
If you can find music to help soothe your soul and help to provide you a bit of comfort during these times I strongly encourage you to do so.
Physical Pains of Loss
The physical pain wakes me in the wee hours of the morning. I find myself here writing while I wait for the pain pills to start working. It debilitates me during the day.
I’m unable to join my children in play, clean my house or even stand at the sink to do my dishes. When will the pain pass?
The physical pain of losing a baby is one thing that I was not warned about when I saw the doctor. There was no mention of how much it would hurt to have the child pass.
Feeling as though others do not understand does not help this process. These feeling of pain are even more elevated when you are feeling alone in the process. It helps to have a loved one to be with you.
Saying What I Have Avoided
This entire post I have found every way I possibly could to avoid saying that I have lost a child.
I have lost three to date now (updated in 2020).
Why did I avoid it? Because I know this will cause me to crumble and although it hurts and I continue to write through the tears, that is what has happened.
To those reading this who have experienced this pain I’m so very sorry for your loss.
For those trying to help another to get through, be present and wait. It takes time to just find our way.